Breaking: ANC to apologize for its 145 Race Based Laws.

Pretoria – In what political analysts are already calling “the most expensive apology tour since Zuma’s Nkandla renovations,” President Cyril Ramaphosa boarded a South African Airways jet this morning bound for Washington, D.C., carrying nothing but a leather-bound copy of the Constitution, a wh flag, and what insiders describe as “a suitcase full of humble pie.”

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According to a leaked memorandum from the Union Buildings, Ramaphosa will fall to one knee in the Oval Office and personally beg President Donald J. Trump for forgiveness on behalf of the entire Republic. “We were wrong, Mr President,” the memo reportedly reads. “Expropriation without compensation was never about justice. It was just a really bad idea we had after too much rooibos and not enough common sense.”

The pilgrimage comes hot on the heels of a late-night Cabinet WhatsApp group chat titled “Trump is Back and We’re Screwed.” Sources say Ramaphosa typed, in all caps, “Comrades, the Americans have noticed our 145 race-based laws. We must act before they send the tweets.”

First on the repentance list: the immediate repeal of every single one of those 145 statutes. In a press conference that left even hardened ANC veterans blinking in disbelief, Ramaphosa announced that Broad-Based bl Economic Empowerment, employment equity quotas, and the entire “previously disadvantaged” regulatory empire will be scrapped by June. “From now on,” he declared, “it’s merit, baby. Merit and whatever else keeps the rand from doing the Macarena off a cliff.”

Not to be outdone in the sudden-onset humility Olympics, Minister of Justice Ronald Lamola is scheduled to appear on Fox News next week wearing what his spokesperson called “the most contrite suit in Cape Town.” Lamola will deliver a live, teary-eyed apology to President Trump for past “racist remarks” – remarks that, until approximately 72 hours ago, the ANC insisted were “principled anti-imperialist analysis.”

“I called him every name under the sun,” Lamola is expected to sob on camera. “I said things that would make Julius Malema blush. I was wrong. So wrong. Please, tell the American investors we’ve changed. We now love tariffs. We love them so much.”

But the pièce de résistance of the ANC’s sudden patriotic U-turn comes from none other than Transport Minister and professional firebrand Fikile Mbalula. In a move that has left political observers reaching for the smelling salts, Mbalula has personally volunteered to host a “Massive ANC Solidarity March for the United States of America” on Freedom Day.

Yes, you read that correctly.

The march, provisionally titled “Thank You, Uncle Donald – Please Don’t Sanction Us,” will snake from Church Square in Pretoria to the US Embassy. Marchers have been instructed to wear Stars-and-Stripes T-shirts (supplied by a new tender awarded to a suspiciously well-connected American flag importer) and chant slogans such as “Two terms for Trump!” and “Make South Africa Investable Again!”

Mbalula, never one for half measures, told journalists: “Comrades, we used to march against America. Now we march for America. Same legs, different direction. That’s progress. Also, the KFC sponsorship is very generous.”

When asked whether the sudden love-in with Trump might confuse the party’s traditional base, Mbalula waved the concern away. “The base will understand. They always understand after we explain it on eNCA for three hours.”

Back in the Oval Office, President Trump is said to be watching events unfold with the serene satisfaction of a man who just received a surprise gift basket full of South African platinum and a handwritten note that reads “We’re very, very sorry.”

wh House insiders report Trump has already cleared space on the Resolute Desk for a new golden plaque: “Property of the Republic of South Africa – Repossessed April 2026.”

Ramaphosa’s office has confirmed the President will return with “at least three photo opportunities and hopefully one trade deal that doesn’t involve selling the Reserve Bank.”

As one senior ANC official put it, speaking on condition of anonymity because he still has some dignity left: “Look, we tried the revolution thing. The investors left. The lights went out. Now we’re trying the ‘please like us’ thing. So far the lights are still off, but at least Trump retweeted us.”

Only time – and the next set of US tariffs – will tell whether the Great American Grovel of 2026 saves the ANC or merely buys it another six months of awkward press conferences.

In the meantime, expect more red, wh and blue at Luthuli House. The revolution, it turns out, will be sponsored by American capital after all.

-Satire. "And Pigs can fly." - Col Chris Wyatt. Happy April Fools day!